(III) Sarah…,,   memories  never  fade''''

                                                                                                                                    :  29-November-2010

Today's your birthday....''' I miss you!!!

“Is there anything left I can say to make life like it was yesterday

Is there anyway you can forgive cause without you my heart couldn't live

If a small tiny spark lives within watch it close it may burn bright again

I beg you to come back today is there anything left I can say”

Why does it have to be me…???   Why can’t I forget her..??? Why am I remembering her everyday, everytime..???  This feeling inside me is going to end forever when I’ll be gone and she’s never gonna see my eyes!  She enters my heart as if every bit of drugs I can’t overcome! I am done with my life. Drinkin, Smoking and every smoke of nicotin feeling my breathe in my lungs that’s all destroyed! Thorns are no longer harm to me than her memories! Dear God…,,, all those sweet memories of friends and family are callin me back to earth while I never can leave this memories of her in my mind! My life has become a living hell…..!!!!!

I’d give up forever to touch you, ‘cause I know that you’d feel me somehow. You’re the closest to heaven that I’ll ever be, I just don’t want to miss you tonight. And I don’t want the world to see me, cause I don’t think that they’d understand. When everything’s made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am.

(iv)  Negative’’’’ - 1

                                                                                                : 02-December-2010

One puff of ‘nicotine’ is sucked through my lungs deep inside and black smokes of dust become my drugs, increasing my strength and power. It feels devil inside and the energy to knock everything off the world. The power felt as if I can tear down the sky with my bare hands!!! Blood running through my veins at faster rates and my mind tells me that there is nothing I cannot do!! This addiction of drugs has made the inner me useless soul, restless, defeated and failed in life. Every breath did I take inside feels like it turns to poison in my heart.  And my mind grew evil day by day, reminding me of the negative.

The only thing left with me now is………………… NEGATIVE’’’’

(V)  Negative'''' -  2

                                                                                              : 14-December-2010

Negative is a part of every human being; some take it seriously, some ignore, some are powerful, some are weak. Those who’ve felt the power of darkness are the ones who’ve seen  “negative” in their lives. I’ve felt it. Just like a place between heaven and hell….,, the place where I was stuck between; unable to decide what I really have to do. Negative is a path to destruction. Negative is about breakin rules made by this fuckin’ world. Negative is about killing the broken, weak love. Negative gives you the energy to face the unexpected. Negative gives you the power to destroy. Negative turns the bright to darkness…’’ Because for all…,, it is always easy to be on the bright side rather being on the dark. Coz the they are weak who cannot live without the light; the only thing they ask for… !!  And if darkness comes..,, they’re afraid of it. I have learnt living in the dark and it gives me power. It feels to be the “negative”.

Negative ………’’’’ the evil soul in my life can never be weak..’’ Negative is my passion reborn, my shadow never hidden in the dark. It is the power of my negative life and the soul to my RocK musics.’’’ It feels to be on the black side of the soul!!! Fuckin world is lose its power to me…’’ \m/

Sarah..’’ you were gone.  Negative took my hand and to all I said goodbye forever..’’’

(VI) DESTINY’’’’

                                                                                               : 05-February-2011

When I close my eyes to dream of something…. ……..

          Dreams were made of her.’’ When I walk by the gates of the garden full of daffodils..,, clouds were floating towards me and I saw her smiling at me with love. I felt happy deep down in my heart. She hold my hands and showed me the stars shining far away. I looked up and I saw two stars dreaming together as if they were in love for millions of years.

But…. I woke up and it fell….’’’’ And all my dreams were scattered like broken glass..!

As time passes by I feel like I’m more and more in love with you…,, The more I try to forget you the more my heart thinks about you. The more my tears bear down my eyes the more my love for you grows. But it feels somewhere inside you’re more and more far from me. It feels so lonely without you  Sarah..’’’ Time had brought me to the edge of the Universe. And I am so cold and lost in desperation,, and all I’ve got in my life is failure, frustration and sadness. Ain’t no sunshine when You are gone Sarah..’’ May be its all what we call  “Destiny”.  

The love journey’’’’ - 1

                                                                                                                                   : 23-March-2011

Year: 1995; My hometown Aizawl. I was a small kid. Sarah was in my class. She was near me and I didn’t even know her name. This innocent love never took my heart. She’d always come and go but I didn’t noticed. My Dad was in the Army and I belonged to a small middle classed nuclear family. I was innocent child, pure heart, never bothered with this selfish world. The place where my Dad worked, they got beautiful garden of flowers. I’d always go there and play along with friends. My Dad’s Boss liked him very much. He gave me a skateboard on my 5^th birthday and I’d always loved to learn it. Everyday I went to school and never did I realize she was already there near me. A year passed and I was shifted to a new school……., and I never knew her.!!!

The love journey’’’’ - 2

                                                                                                                                   : 06-April-2011

Year: 2002;  I was a nerd, good in studies, obeyed my parents and never lied. After all these years in my school, I was good in merits and then I got shifted to a new school; English Congregation School. Still remained nerd and studied hard.

Year: 2003; I got friends who loved to dance, play music, football and have fun.  Some made me think, “why can’t I be one of them..??” The reason was I was not of their league. Neither was I smart like them. I was just an innocent nerd boy. And they never did really liked me, Coz I was a foreigner to them. My Dad was not a native and I was just born there. My friends and my classmates often made me feel that I was not like them. I’d always keep my heart strong. I’d never let go off my dreams as a kid. My friends were talented…,, some were good in art, some in sports, some in dance, some in music. They started to grow interests of all these in me. They changed me a little…,, but still, here we go, I was still a nerd geek.

Year:2005; I learnt break-dance, started learning guitar, play football and improved my speedball handwritings and my skills and it started to feel like I was good at these new stuffs...'' Its was fun, after all.

Year: 2006; School was fun. I was a well-known boy in school. Although, despite of my good studies, I never could vision my future. Just kept running with the time of life as if  “who cares what’s gonna happen tomorrow, we’ll see it when we finish high school”.

                                                               …….to be continued………….’’’

    THE LOVE  JOURNEY’’’ - 3

(The Change of Destiny)

                                                                                                   : 23-April-2011

“Yeah!!! Though I walk through the valley of shadow of Death, I will fear no evil for Thee are with me, Thy rod and Thy staff, they comfort me.”

                                                                                                                                                                                                               - Psalms: 23;4                            

Staring into the world, I saw thousands of life, cold and scared where they fight to survive.

They say life is too short, the here and the now,

And you're only given one shot.

But could there be more? Have I lived before?

Or could this be all that we've got?

I may never find all the answers,

I may never understand why.

I may never prove what I know to be true,

But I know that I still have to try.

And I finally knew, I'm not scared anymore.

I know that my soul will transcend.

Year: 2006; continues….. I gave entrance exam for the Indian Air Force....,, got selected and kept waiting for the merit list.

I went to Guwahati University for NSS Camp with some of my friends.. .’’ Outside my home for the first time.  Crap.. .’’ it was a hell of experience. Smoked for the first time, drank for the first time. Observed many new things…!!!

Later that year, I went for the All Mizoram Dance Competition…’’’ Did well,, quite far..….. Until I got dropped just before the Final round!!!

Christmas 2006: I went for re-medical examinations and passed to get through for training in the Indian Air Force….. We were supposed to go for our training at Karnataka and we were waiting for the officials’ approval of our selection.  Me and my friends those who were selected with me..,, we spent the whole Christmas night staring at the stars in the dark near some old village in Guwahati. For the first time in my Life..,, I felt how it is to be far away from Home,, esp. when its Christmas!

December 31, 2006: -----à I was all alone somewhere in the desert of Karnataka far away from my sweet home, approaching the path of destiny that God made for me, remembering Psalms of David 23;4:-

           
  “Yeah!!! Though I walk through the valley of shadow of Death, I will fear no evil for Thee are with me, Thy rod and Thy staff, they comfort me.”

The Love Journey’’’ – 4

                                                                                                 : 27-July-2011

Year: 2007;  Life just started. The beginning of a new journey….. ‘’’’ throughout the year, I was in Bangalore doing training!!!

Year: 2008;  New place, new faces, new job..’’ Happy!!!

Year: 2008, May; Met Sarah on frenzo… found out that she was my classmate at AR primary!! We became friends. Quite good friends. I’d know most of her stuffs….’’ She’s a girl who’d always go to the cyber café and chat chat and chat. Omg! Chat over frenzo, Chat over Channel V, myspace, orkut, hi5, every possible way to make online friends!!

We became good friends...,, I'd always go to her house. Her grandmother was really sweet to me. Gosh!! I also ate dinner at her home. This was awkward in the beginning but I started feeling close to them. Then it became normal for me. She was one of a kind to find...'' Hard to explain!!!

Sarah’’ - The  Girl  I  met…’’’

                                                                                                   : 18-September-2011

She is not funny, neither is she interesting nor wimp. But she is an innocent girl. Unaware of the true world, living in fantasy!!! As if some kind of Prince with swords and horses would approach her to marry her. In reality she knows everything, but she will not show off whatever it is. There was something inside her mind she’d never tell someone! She is conservative; keeping all the things to by herself. She is never gonna tell anything to anybody,, no matter what. But inside of her, she wants someone to come and share her feelings. Her eyes; dark and deep, looks like there is some truth behind those black little spots. Her smile, like the colors of the rainbow. Innocent like a kid. But people often make use of her innocence and she doesn’t know that.  Most of the time, her eyes will tell you that she is an idiot but she will not say it.   She is not a common girl. She is a girl who believes in love caring for dear ones. She often tries to be the same as other girls, but she never could.

              She’ll chat and make friends through internet. You’d never imagine how famous she is on chatting sites. She is having lots of friends just over the internet. Sometimes, it made me wonder why is she so desperate to find somebody who can be close to her; that too from the chatting sites. Why not thinking about the people who really are close to her in real life…?? And is it like, she’s not comfortable with her normal life as other people??? The truth is….. She is not. Somewhere inside she was feeling lonely because she needed somebody to be with her every time she needs ‘em. She kinda confused me lot of times.

             She is her own favorite. Always taking pictures of herself and lookin’ at it  saying….,, ‘Naaahh! I can’t be a model, I aint that beautiful.’ But she’ll take it again and say,’ hmmm!! ain’t that bad either.’ And she’ll hide below her bed, if she finds a pimple on her cheek saying, “God!! I’m all ugly, I feel like poking it out.” She’ll pretend as if she’s some lead singer from those gothic Rock bands. She is serious when she is joking, and she is joking when she is serious. She behaves like she’s lost when she’s walking by the roadside ad when you see her this way, you’ll laugh and say…”God, what a confused girl.”

         

         She’ll listen to punk rock, gothic, pop… whatever strikes her mind!! And whatever she thinks is beautiful…’’ She’ll sing in her school, have friends who think they’ll raise a band someday! Actually she wants to experience everything. She normally doesn’t hang around with girls near her house! May be she’s not much interested. She feels like a celebrity when bunch of boys will propose her, and she’ll be happy thinking, ‘uh huh’, he likes me!’ She’s kind of a childish when it’s hard to win over a small fight.

       

           She’s a brave girl coz’ she always thinks ‘Death can never Conquer me.’ Life is useful when you are a good person, and she knows it very well. She loves her brother,,,, but she never shows it! So that he never thinks she’s showing as if she cares for him a lot! She’s afraid of her mother..,, LOL’’  kinda awkward no…?? But in reality, She is! Her mother is strict to her and she’s all afraid..’’ whoa!! But she loves her father too much, coz he behaves as a friend to her. And most of the times she misses him when he’s not around..,, and cries like a baby girl under her blanket!  Unlike me..,, Sarah is brave, she have guts to face the consequences of the real life. She’s a good girl…. as I think she is.’’’ She was the one who made me realize that being true is the best work we can do for others and for ourselves. Being true will bring love to you from all the people around you and closer to the people you love…’’’’

Her suffocating heart that needs love was all I understand…’’’

When it got all weird....’’

                                                                                         : 07-October-2011

When we met..,, I was such an idiot. I felt like a geek. I damn suck at these things… and hell I was all full of dumb shit. We’d always talk over phone, internet and talk about each other. I was a real coward..,,  I lied to her just to hide my identity. I was ashamed of my true identity. This cheap thought of me was killing me thinking if she come to know one day, what’s gonna happen….’’’ Finally this fuckin crap full of lies ended me to this useless soul. She always believed in me and used to tell me all the stuffs about her and her life with people around, about her boyfriend from some place outside our state. She told me, they met through some chat and they started to talk on phone. Whenever they fight,, she’d tell me and  I don’t even know why but I always have to call her boyfriend and console him, telling him that the sky is full stars and it’ll be late if you don’t recognize the right star glowing for you, keep patience and it’ll be cool. I never did figure out…… I was the one who knows her more!!! But this prick of truth was hurtful coz I never realized  when I started to fell in love with her. Hell..’’ it was too late. I could’ve told her before the time ended.

Even after she figured out my identity…,, it was all late to say that I love her. Coz she’d never believe me. I thought if I tell her..,, I’ll even lose her friendship.!!! After quite a time, she stopped speaking to me. Unexpectedly, this heart of mine grew more and more weak..! I started to pray for her, rather, I started to beg and beg and beg to God to give me Sarah!! But I was undoubtly wrong. We cannot ask God to give us whatever we want. May be she’s much more happy with someone else.

7 months and she didn’t even contact me. I thought she might be busy. Then I called her home and asked her number. Her family, they gave me her number but it was switched off. I searched her on facebook. Texted her if she’s okay or not. She didn’t reply. One day I called her home once again, she picked up the phone and I recognized it was her. She immediately put the phone. After 5 minutes, I got a text from via facebook:-

‘’’Hey,, pls don’t try to contact me anymore. I’m fuckin fed up of you. Stop disturbing me, my family and my boyfriend. I don’t want you in my life. u’re outta my life. so pls go away. Pls pls pls..’’’

She sent me this message and I was speechless for a while. This was hard to feel. Later that evening, for the first time in my life….,, I went to the Bar(our organization had a bar of our own). Drank and drank and drank until I vomit it all with tears of fire. Cried and cried, not sleeping the whole night. Destroyed myself again and again!!! Wasted everything I had. 

Sarah…….’’’ I  love  you’’’

                                                                                          : 19-November-2011

It is very difficult when someone you love, leaves you alone, the pain is very great, the pain consumes you, loneliness kills you.

How are you supposed to live without that love, how the hell should I do to ease the pain.

We lose our smile,  the joy dilutes, and our being longs to be loved by the one who is gone.

Only the music helps us to cope with the pain and sorrow consumes our moments of loneliness, that is to live, we learn by suffering, and life makes us stronger.

The only thing that kept me alive and strong, is the music of soul…’’’ Negative often took my heart, but it grew my love for her each and every moment.

Sarah..’’ I don’t know which way this is going. I thought its gonna end soon, but it’s hard to say I was wrong. I miss you more and more everyday!!! I’m here somewhere it the desert far away from you and you’re somewhere with someone else not even aware of the rays that fall from the sky, the ones for which I pray to God everyday to reach you!!! And hope to remind you of me….’’’ The air I breathe makes me sense you around. It gives me energy to live each moment, each time I breathe thinking of you! May be I’m not the only one for you but you’re the only one for me! The God up there is all the evidence I have, and no more shall I be able to pray to Him for you if I’m gone from this world!!! And I don’t know if you’ll shed even a teardrop of love for me…!!!

Happiness, inside of me comes when I remember you and it tells me not to give up! To see you when I close my eyes, to feel you around; is the most lovable moment of my life. Sometimes, this pain inside, hurts a lot. But not being with you, make me remember you and my love for you grows more and more and I hope this feeling lasts forever. Coz, even then, I’ll love you, even if you’re not in my life, forever and ever and ever!! And I can never be the same anymore, not at least in this life of mine. No person knows how I feel. I never have the guts to tell anyone. I am afraid of people knowing the real me, as I was afraid when I didn’t tell you who I was. Its really hard to write all these and the exact feeling right now because again I am afraid of this world and now I am afraid of you!!

Sarah…’’’’’’ it really hurts. I was stupid to have gone from your life. But I’m happy to have known you. Coz you changed me. You taught me to be true!!! But right now, without you around, day by day I’m losing myself. And shall I die without seeing you. I can’t even close my eyes, coz even then you would come in my dreams. Whenever, I stand alone at the rooftop, and a cold breeze gently touches me, I stretch my arms and feel you around and the more I feel you near me, the more my love increase for you. I’ve lost myself somewhere in the skies, where I can neither find myself nor you by my side!!! I shall paint the sky with my breath.

Dear Sarah, I don’t see you anywhere in the sky. May be the sky is too much polluted. But I’ll keep on searching you, until I breathe my last and I’ll be right next to you. And nothing shall last forever, except our memories!! My heart prays every moment, “Dear God, she is ill, please give all her pain to me. I’ll smile and carry it along with me. Transfer all her disease to me…. Please please please!!!’’ So you have to, please get well soon!!! I don’t wish to see you this way..,, its hard for me to think of it again and again!!! L L:’( :’(  I Love You forever’’ ;;;;;;;;;’’’’

I love you and love you and love you and shall love you forever and ever and ever…’’’ Even if this world tear me apart into pieces. I’ll still love you!!! The only thing I pray is…. You to be happy!!! If my staying away from you makes you happy, then so be it. I’ll never see you, never ever!! But even this life trades you to some dark place, remember me, I shall be there to hold your hand so that you’re not afraid. My dream may be just a common story among millions, but I’ve got only one life and from the inner me, I’d only want you to be with me. But it’s all destiny, maybe I’m not meant for you. The road ahead of  me shall remain dark and I’ll close my eyes and think of you and I’ll continue walking till the end of this journey. The only thing I’ll carry, will be holding your hands and believe in the destiny God made for me. If it is supposed to end this way, it shall end and if it is suppose to change, it will change no matter what happens. This part of my life I won’t hurt you, no more! I’ll walk and walk, and take each step thinking that you’re still with me walking by my side. Right now I don’t know where exactly you are. But I’ll pray to God, wherever you are….,,, please be happy! I’ve seen your eyes full of dreams. Live it!! 

The  bottom  line, finally, I realized…..’’’’ \m/

                                                                                           : 29-November-2011

Happy Birthday Sarah!!!!

This the end of my blog...'''' And its gonna prove the title of the blog wrong!!! Sarah..''' All the things written above may be true, coz it was my heart that made me write all my feelings of yesterday and the past....''' They were all true. But today................. its a different story!!!!

May be we’ll never meet again and I’ll try to face this life without your lights but if I change, I hope I never know. I know God up there is with me right now. He's what I need, He have been there for me other than anyone else ever, ever in this world. I wish I could take the pain away. But that can't happen and everybody knows it's true. And if you have to know I'll never understand you. So if you have to go then you'd better go,,,, I’ll take a look in the distance, if my life improves without you, then you’re gone!!! If not..,, then I’ll remain the same!

But, but, but… hey Sarah....’’ here’s the bottom line!!! I believe I’m not a loser. I will not leave alone, everything that I own. 'Cause it's not too late, It's never too late. I can make a life of my own…!!! I won’t cry like a loser, just because I don’t have you in my life!!! The world we knew, Won't come back, so I won’t waste my time behaving like a loser. And I know you hated me…, The only lines left to say would be:

You couldn't hate enough to love. Is that supposed to be enough? I only wish you weren't my friend. Then I could hurt you in the end. I never claimed to be a Saint….. My own was banished long ago. It took the Death of Hope to let you go. So Break Yourself Against My Stones, And Spit Your Pity In My Soul. If You Still Care, Don't Ever Let Me Know. Off you go, won’t I interrupt you anymore! I am not a loser, and why shall I live like one. I’m better with my own. And I’m damn sure my life and my music shall reach the sky without you. Success has become my destiny,, sorry ... not you anymore!! God is always with me. I don't need anybody!! And I guess I’m smart enough to break this damn world. You stay happy and live your dreams…’’ I’ll live mine. Be happy..'' Goodbye forever!!!!!!!!! \m/